


The Despair Ballads

by JohnWWells



Category: Sayonara Zetsubou-Sensei
Genre: Alternate Universe - Victorian, Gen, References to Suicide, Victorian Attitudes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-19
Updated: 2013-01-20
Packaged: 2017-11-16 14:53:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/540666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JohnWWells/pseuds/JohnWWells
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gilbert and Sullivan scholars recently unearthed several of W. S. Gilbert's unpublished verses. These Victorian comic poems, originally intended for publication in 'Fun Magazine', detail the antics of a melancholy teacher and his psychotic students, each of whom satirically represents a "folly of the times."</p>
<p>Any resemblance to more recent works is a matter of either pure coincidence or time travel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Ballad of Tristram Eary, I; An Unfinished Poem Found among the Author's Effects

(Originally posted to the zetsubou_sensei community on LiveJournal.)

**THE DESPAIR BALLADS**

_DRAMATIS PERSONAE:_

_T. EARY (played by Tristram Eary)_   
_W. EARY (played by Winifed Eary)_   
_L. EARY (played by Leonard Eary)_   
_DR. EARY (played by Dr. Mortimer Eary)_   
_"CHARLOTTE PERKINS" (played by Anne Gable)_   
_EILEEN CLOSE (played by Eileen Close)_   
_SYBIL PRIMM (played by Sybil Primm)_   
_NORMA LEIGH (played by Norma Leigh)_   
_FITZWILLIAM 'MIYUKI' McMARTIN MacNAIR (played by Miyuki)_   
_{ink spilled over cast list}_   
_GALÁPAGOS TORTOISE (played by Galápagos Tortoise)_

**THE BALLAD OF TRISTRAM EARY, I**

I. The Optimist

The maiden leapt and tripp'd and twirl'd,  
    Enrapt at vernal hymns,  
And couldn't care if all the world  
    Caught glimpses of her limbs.

In Roman days, the Ides of March  
    Did Caesar proud destroy;  
In Midwich Park, the Ides of March  
    Did seize her heart with joy.

_"Oh, Spring, I whiff your lovely airs,_   
_And put away my woes and cares,_   
_And hardly ever fall downstairs,_   
_Oh, Spring of joy and hope!_   
_Oh, Spring! The cuckoo bill and coo -_   
_The turtledove and turtle, too!_   
_The borogoves coo too, they do,_   
_And no-one dares to mope!"_

The eldest oak tree seemed to be  
    An angel's wings outspread  
To hush the newborn century,  
    And rock it safe to bed.

But as she spun in _pirouette_  
    And chased the giddy breeze,  
Her forehead very neatly met  
    With TRISTRAM EARY's knees!

 

**AN UNFINISHED POEM FOUND AMONG THE AUTHOR'S EFFECTS:**

This is SYBIL,  
    Only nice  
In a quibble -  
    Sharp, precise,

Will not weaken,  
    Shan't forgive,  
Carefullee con-  
    Servative,

Brooks no flotsam,  
    Buries all,  
Fond of what's sym-  
    Metrical,

Slices pie - the  
    Portions check  
Equal by the  
    Millisec.

Pointless drama?  
    This, she hates.  
Errant comma?  
    Death awaits!

"Purge the shoddy,  
    Purge the bore,  
Hide the body  
    In the floor!

Purge the sinners!  
    Purge the fool!  
Hide the innards  
    Under school!"

He who badgers  
    SYBIL PRIMM,  
Loses nadgers,  
    Life, and limb;

One unseemly  
    Fool's decree:  
"She's extremely  
    OCD."

Judgment's rotten;  
    He won't live.  
"That is not an  
    Adjective!

Are you very  
    Brainpan-free?  
Are you very  
    KIG?"

Doubtless, he meant  
    Nothing, but -  
KIG meant  
    "knife-in-gut."

"Purge the bawdy!  
    Purge the liars!  
 _Purge all gaudy_  
 _Versifiers!"_

Evident in  
    This decree:  
Her intent in  
    Purging me.

SYBIL PRIMM, she  
    Knows my home,  
And my sin she  
    Shan't condone!

\---

_EDITOR'S NOTE: We regret to inform our readers that the author met with a disquieting_   
_fate two days prior to publication. While the authorities were at first inclined to_   
_suspect an almost-otherworldly accident, the message found neatly jotted upon the_   
_scene, but not in ink, raises the possibility of murder. It read, in whole:_

_"In proper English, 'comma' and 'drama' are near-rhymes. Still more contemptibly, they_   
_are not even exact half-rhymes, like 'cat' and 'man', or 'near' and 'nor.' 'Comma' and_   
_'drama' are near-rhymes of the most execrable sort, near-rhymes that, to the untutored_   
_ear, sound as if they were exact rhymes. But they are NOT EXACT RHYMES. They are_   
_NINETY-PERCENT RHYMES. DRAMA HAS A LONGER 'A'._

_'Home' and 'condone,' however, is acceptable. It is a perfect half-rhyme."_


	2. The Ballad of Tristram Eary, II-III; The Sketch Artist

**THE BALLAD OF TRISTRAM EARY, II**

II. The Woes of Tristram Eary

A noose, a pill, a lengthy will,  
    A rusty shooting-piece,  
A sheaf of poems meant to still  
    The nerves for their release,  
And other morbid sundries fill  
    A traveler's valise,  
The kit that TRISTRAM EARY calls  
    His 'Case of Sweet Surcease.'

CHORUS.  
 _T. EARY, ever-teary,_  
 _He shares a family shame_  
 _With brother DR. EARY,_  
 _And nephew LEO, leery,_  
 _And sister WINIFRED EARY,_  
 _So weary of her name!_

He rhymed ' _jejune_ ' with 'pallid moon' -  
    And hence, rejection slip!  
His pianola's out-of-tune!  
    His tweezers will not grip!  
MALVOLIO, his pet raccoon,  
    Is foaming at the lip!  
Reciting C. ROSSETTI's "Song,"  
    He readies for his 'trip.'

CHORUS.  
 _T. EARY, dull and dreary,_  
 _He slouches in his chair,_  
 _With brain bedulled and beery,_  
 _And sight and smile bleary,_  
 _And dreams of hara-kiri -_  
 _In theory, none would care!_

 

**THE SKETCH ARTIST:**

And who's this sketchbook-toting child  
    Who idly dreams of DOUGLAS/WILDE?  
Who has the queer, persistent habit  
    Of drawing HATTER wooing RABBIT?

Her name is not too hard to say:  
    MISS FERGUSON HILDA T. HERGÉ!  
(But here in this provincial burg,  
    Her classmates dubbed her FERGIE HERG.)

By her sharp eyes,  
    No pair is missed:  
WATSON/HOLMES!  
    DODGER/TWIST!

GRIFFIN/MOREAU,  
    VOLTAIRE/ROUSSEAU,  
CRUSOE and FRIDAY,  
    And RAVEN and POE!

HUME and PALEY,  
    DAVID/URIAH,  
GLADSTONE/DISRAELI,  
    And JUDAS/MESSIAH!

To her sure sense,  
    No subtext is petty,  
And thirty years hence,  
    She'll pair SACCO/VANZETTI.

So should you meet in GABRIEL's park,  
    Best let her pass without remark -  
And please, dear reader, do not say,  
    "I, too, am fond of DORIAN GRAY!"

    (Or you shall have a long, long day.)

 

**THE BALLAD OF TRISTRAM EARY, III**

III. A Meeting Never Meant to Be

"Don't do it!" she cried to the man in the noose,  
    "Don't do it, you'll rue it, I swear!"  
But pleading and plaint were of minimal use,  
    And limply he swung in the air.  
Without any thought for the state of her gown  
    She clung like a Coleochaete,  
By flailing assaying to yank the man down -  
    To yank the man down by his feet.

The rope snapped. The man fell.  
    She held him like a bride.  
His skin was white as asphodel,  
    His cape was soft and wide.  
His face was halfway haunted,  
    And wan and weary-eyed -  
She gazed as one enchaunted,  
    Then poked him in the side.

Nothing. So, again she poked  
    The poor man in the side -  
        Upward he sprang,  
    And gagged and choked,  
 _"Oi! What if I had died?"_


	3. An Ordinary Song; The Ballad of Tristram Eary, IV; Eileen Close

**AN ORDINARY SONG:**

NORMA LEIGH knew joy and trouble,  
     Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, ho-hum.  
Mum wore paisley, Da had stubble,  
    Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, ho-hum.  
Never dared grotesque adventures,  
    Fa-la-la, fa-la-la, so ho-hum!  
Duller than a pair of dentures,  
    Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, ho-hum.

Ev'ry time she sought distinction,  
    Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, ho-hum.  
Hopes were met with quick extinction,  
    Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, ho-hum.  
Never meeting scorn nor pity,  
    Fa-la-la, fa-la-la, so ho-hum!  
Duller than a church committee,  
    Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, ho-hum.

Lest ye judge her hopes unfounded,  
    Fa-la-la-la-la, I'll tell you what.  
Lest ye think yourself more grounded,  
    Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, you're not.  
Though our jeers of 'average' strike her,  
    Fa-la-la, fa-la-la-la, come, come!  
Reader, we are all much like her,  
    Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, ho-hum!

 

**THE BALLAD OF TRISTRAM EARY, IV**

IV. A Trap for Elf

Stumbling, he rose. "Once more, I fail  
    To cease my life of sin."  
(He thought he heard the keening wail  
    Of distant violin.)

"But, Sir, you'd die by suicide?"  
    She haltingly began.  
"The papers speak of suicide...  
    But only in Japan!

Who dies in Spring, when Nature wears  
    Her gown of green and blue?  
 _O, spring! I whiff your lovely airs -_ "  
    "- I heard the first time through!"

He sighed and said, "My methods, Miss,  
    Could not be called discreet.  
I wouldn't die? Then what is this?"  
    The noose lay at his feet.

She turned it over, thought with care,  
    Its purpose to assay.  
"Aha!" she said, "A woven snare,  
    A trap for traipsing fey!

For when a faery's hands are tied,  
    She'll give you all her gold!  
That's why my PAPA tried and tried  
    When all our things were sold.

My MAMA set a trap as well,  
    But tripped and caught her neck,  
The neighbours say she's gone -"  
                                   "Don't tell!  
    Already I'm a wreck!"

"But yes, that is a trap for elf!"  
    She said, with emphasis.  
"No man could think to 'off himself'  
    On such a day as this!"

 

**EILEEN CLOSE**

**or, THE STAR AND THE STARLING**

HER.  
o my darling, never far,  
o my love, how loved you are  
as I watch you like a star  
    in the night.

o my dearest, ever near,  
o my light when all is drear,  
like the Lodestar I'll appear  
    in thy sight.

o my darling, o my lovely,  
o my dearest, o my light,  
in your window I shall linger  
    like the Lodestar of the night.

HIM.  
Though the windowframe I bar,  
    She's an ever-constant star,  
Constellation of vexation at her station through the night -  
    A Polaris to embarrass me when changing for the night!

HER.  
o my lovely, languid-eyed,  
o my dearest, drowsy-eyed,  
o you mustn't think to hide -  
    I am there.

over slumber soft and deep,  
as the doves their vigil keep,  
like the doves that watch you sleep,  
    I am there.

o my lovely, o my dearest,  
o my darling unaware,  
like a starling at your window,  
    I am always, always there.

HIM.  
Though I shut the gate with care,  
    She is always, always there -  
Is it quite coincidental that a starling's called a 'stare?'  
    She is gentle, but her bent'll drive me 'mental' with despair -  
    For it's not coincidental that a starling is a 'stare!'

 


	4. The Ballad of Tristram Eary, V; Exquisite Song; Galapagos Tortoise

**THE BALLAD OF TRISTRAM EARY, V.**  
A Digression on Naming Rights 

"The wabe is green, the grass is green,  
  Green oaks enshade the park:  
GREEN GABRIEL, GREEN FAERIE QUEENE,  
  GREEN PATENT-OFFICE CLERK!"

"GREEN OFFICE CLERK?" "GREEN OFFICE CLERK!  
  For, after all, you know...  
I named him CLERK upon a lark  
  A minute or two ago."

"You musn't christen on a whim,"  
  Frowned TRISTRAM, "Hoi polloi -"  
She cut in, interrupting him:  
  "You're now GREEN OFFICE BOY!"

"GREEN OFFICE BOY?" "That's right, I'm sure.  
  I found you 'neath the clerk!"  
"I daresay that seems premature,"  
  He hastened to remark.

"Where're your naming rights, dubbing and claiming rights?  
  Nowadays that is the claim to a name;  
A nomenclatorial living memorial  
  Goes for a price in proportion to fame!  
WESTMINSTER ABBEY is dealing in brewage;  
  BUCKINGHAM PALACE is BENNETTON'S GREEN;  
The THAMES is the PUNCH (and is thus filled with sewage);  
  The STRAND has been auctioned to STRAND MAGAZINE!

Most names (I grieve to say 'tis so)  
  Are corporately-owned,  
Young-Maid-Whose-Name-I-Do-Not-Know  
  Who-Goes-Unchaperoned."

\---

 **EXQUISITE SONG**  
(Adapted by the authors from an Oriental 'Enka' ballad)

AIR: [Zesshou](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LId2HXWovts)

Call them poor indignities,  
  Count 'em not at all,  
For I mustn't dwell on memories,  
  Life that I shan't recall!

Open highway, hidden alley,  
  Shelter from the rain;  
Ah, the winter drear and chilly  
  Spears the ribcage again!

Wearily, my footprints sound  
  As step-by-step I tread,  
My embarrassments in barrow mounds  
  Stretching forever ahead!

Once again, predictably,  
  My arrival is ages late -  
Is misfortune my destiny?  
  Cruel the whims of fate!

Till I reunite with you,  
  Wait for me, though the span be long.  
Thus I bid the light adieu -  
  Go, my exquisite song!

_I am in despair!_

\---

**GALÁPAGOS TORTOISE!**

GALÁPAGOS TORTOISE!  
GALÁPAGOS TORTOISE!  
Look, boys, look -  
GALÁPAGOS TORTOISE!


	5. The Patriot

**THE PATRIOT,**  
a poem to be read to children  
(but absolutely not to the Irish)

How she poised on the edge of a treacherous ledge...  
  'MIYUKI' McMARTIN MACNAIR!  
She dined upon pigeon and poppy and sedge,  
  'MIYUKI' McMARTIN MACNAIR!  
We knew that we loved her,  
  But not whence she came,  
Or how she acquired her  
  Remarkable name,  
FITZWILLIAM 'MIYUKI' McMARTIN MACNAIR,  
  'MIYUKI' McMARTIN MACNAIR!

She popped into class in the middle of May,  
  'MIYUKI' McMARTIN MACNAIR!  
She spoke in her unlackadaisical way:  
  "My name is FITZWILLIAM MACNAIR!"  
Like a glimmer of fish or  
  The flash of a kite,  
Or a mushroom that mushrooms  
  To sight overnight,  
Appeared this 'MIYUKI' McMARTIN MACNAIR,  
  'MIYUKI' McMARTIN MACNAIR!

Her clothing was tattered, and tousled her hair,  
  She clung to the rafters and swung through the air,  
Her arms and her feet and her ankles were bare,  
  'MIYUKI' McMARTIN MACNAIR!  
Her records were spotless,  
  But claimed she was older;  
Her aspect was honest;  
  Her manners were bolder  
Than any we'd known, but we didn't much care -  
  We welcomed 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR!

MISS SYBIL, a person pedantic and proud,  
  Suspected 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR  
And cornered her quarry and queried aloud,  
  "Who are you, 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR?"  
Unwilling to pester,  
  But famished for fact,  
Discreetly we asked her  
  With uttermost tact,  
And gladly she told us the whole of the act...

_The Birth of Miyuki MacNair:_

_She slipped off a ship in the haze of the night,_   
_MIYUKI, not yet a MACNAIR,_   
_And slept on the cobbles and rose with the light,_   
_And walked till she met with MACNAIR._   
_MACNAIR was a student,_   
_The prey of despair,_   
_Who tottered, despondent,_   
_In Corcoran Square,_   
_Proclaiming, "FITZWILLIAM McMARTIN MACNAIR_   
_Will barter his name for a beer!"_

_The locals were leery, for what could they think_   
_Of MISTER FITZWILLIAM MACNAIR?_   
_"A shilling, a shilling, one shilling for drink,_   
_And you'll be FITZWILLIAM MACNAIR!"_   
_MIYUKI leapt up and_   
_Declared with a cry,_   
_"If give me your cap and_   
_Your jacket and tie,_   
_I give you a shilling and gladly I try_   
_To be a FITZWILLIAM MACNAIR!"_

_CHORUS._   
_So she would be he,_   
_And he would be she,_   
_The transfer was honest as honest could be._   
_And fresh from her trip on the turbulent sea,_   
_She couldn't have possibly planned..._   
_That men would arrive to deport her that day,_   
_Departing that day_   
_(That terrible day!)_   
_And carry the hapless young tippler away,_   
_Away to a faraway land._

\---

On hearing her story, MISS SYBIL declared:  
  "'MIYUKI' McMARTIN MACNAIR!  
The bargain was proper, so you shall be spared,  
  'MIYUKI' McMARTIN MACNAIR!  
But beware, for our land is  
  Severe and austere;  
You'll find no more handouts  
  For lazybones here!  
(... now here is a shilling for sweeties, m'dear)  
  'MIYUKI' McMARTIN MACNAIR!"

Unsure of her safety, we followed her out,  
  We followed 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR,  
Too fearful of danger, too fretful in doubt,  
  We shadowed 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR.  
The alms nearly splintered  
  Her charity box,  
But soon we encountered  
  The sharpest of shocks:  
A crate of her cousins encamped on the docks,  
  All fed by 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR!

She wandered the way of Whitechapel at dusk;  
  Be wary, 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR!  
And wondered at 'doves' in mascara and musk.  
  Be chary, 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR!  
"In Old Country, 'Hookers'  
  Are slaves to their 'Guys,'  
Who ply them with liquors  
  And tie them with lies;  
But Englishman ladies have Free Enterprise!"  
  Said clever 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR.

And pray, what befell when she learned of fell crimes,  
  'MIYUKI' McMARTIN MACNAIR?  
THE RIPPER had published a note in the Times,  
  Which startled 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR.  
"In Old Country, killers,  
  They never behave -  
They hide from the papers  
  And make shallow grave.  
But Englishman killers are honest and brave!"  
  Applauded 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR.

A clergyman said, "Let us pray for the soul -  
  The soul, MISS 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR! -  
Of the urchin who labours to excavate coal.  
  Your thoughts, MISS 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR?"  
"In Old Country, children  
  Are never to stray,  
And beaten if linen  
  Is dirty with clay...  
But Englishman children play dirty all day!"  
  Exulted 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR.

Then boldly she strolled to the REGENCY PUB,  
  Did daring 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR.  
The barkeep was burly and carried a club,  
  And sneered at 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR.  
"These yellow brats come from  
  Them Chinaman ships -  
Well, let's hear your name from  
  Them Chinaman lips!"  
She laughed and replied with her hands on her hips,  
  "FITZWILLIAM McMARTIN MACNAIR!"

"Well, damn me, a Paddy! Your kind make me sick!"  
  He raged at 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR.  
"Come waltzin' in here, bein' shiftless and thick!"  
  Oh, flee him, 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR!  
But a Scotsman took pity,  
  And cried, "Ach, for shame!  
The wee bairn's no Paddy,  
  I'd wager t' claim  
MACNAIR is an honest Glaswegian name!"  
  "That's right!" said 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR.

The barkeep was chastened, and poured her a draught,  
  "Forgive me, FITZWILLIAM MACNAIR!  
I thought you a bad 'un, but clearly you're not -  
  Drink lively, FITZWILLIAM MACNAIR!"  
The patrons, though clannish,  
  Indulged her in brew,  
With drinks that were greenish,  
  And jokes that were blue,  
And, tossing stilettoes till ten-after-two,  
  They drank to 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR!

"So raise up your glasses, your hearts, and a cheer,  
  HURRAH FOR 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR!  
Oh, praise to our patriot, patron, and peer,  
  HURRAH FOR 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR!  
She'll brook no report of  
  Injustice or spite -  
Such hearts are the heart of  
  Imperial might!  
(She's not really Irish, so it is all right.)  
  HURRAH FOR 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR!"


	6. The Ballad of Tristram Eary, VI; Coda

**THE BALLAD OF TRISTRAM EARY, VI**

VI. The Bargain

"How rude of me!" she said, "That's true,"  
  And curtsey'd, tipped her fan.  
"I'm CHARLOTTE PERKINS! How-de-do?"  
  (Her real name was ANNE.)

"To buy a name, you reimburse  
  The cost - I understand!"  
She plucked a penny from her purse,  
  And pressed it in his hand.

"But why hunt faerie, OFFICE BOY?"  
  She said, and stood half-hushed,  
"You seem so wealthy, OFFICE BOY,"  
  She said, and stared. He blushed.

A girl who saw no misery,  
  A man who saw no good;  
A meeting never meant to be -  
  Yet, somehow, there they stood.

He broke the silence. "Even you  
  Would buy me on the spot?  
Ah, quelle horreur! Ah, sacre bleu!"  
  (He spoke that way a lot.)

"I'm in despair!" he cried, and hurled  
  His stipend in the air.  
"This tawdry, simoniacal world  
  Has left me in despair!"

And as he fled, she cocked her head,  
  And whispered while he ran,  
"Oh,  
 isn't  
  that  
   a  
    charming  
     and  
      a  
       most  
        peculiar  
         man?"

_CHORUS._  
T. EARY's duck-a-deary,  
  She fluttered by his side,  
A graceful girl and cheery,  
With face in quiet query,  
And eyes intense and eerie -  
  So eerie and so wide! 

 

  
[ ](http://s246.beta.photobucket.com/user/ferdielance/media/coda_zps0068dc35.png.html)   



End file.
